jealousy is an evil bitch

i want to write about people bringing other people down. i've never been one to straight out state "dude people are just jealous, that's why they're trying to bring you down". i don't believe this is the case 99% of the time. people aren't dissing you because they are jealous. they're dissing you because they have nothing better to do. but recently i have seen someone trying to bring me down because i DO believe they are jealous. never thought i'd see the day, like who would actually be that stupid to be jealous of me. i'm not worth being jealous of. anywho, i guess some people feel that because they are getting nowhere in life, and because i'm strongly for going somewhere in life, that they'll make up shit in order to feel better about themselves. that they'll create this new world in their mind in order to feel like they're a "good" person.

i'm not going into major detail about any of this because quite frankly giving out names and dates and info just isn't my thang. but i do want to say that honestly no one should ever be jealous of me because... seriously. take a look at me. i'm me. okay i guess you can be jealous of the fact that i live life the way i want and don't give a shit about what anyone thinks. and i'll straight up say that. most people say that statement and are only half telling the truth. they don't live by the shit they speak. but me, i'm doing what i'm doing because i want to, not because someone is forcing me to or making me feel like i have to. i'm not one to suck up, butt kiss, or stress out in order to make people like me. you either like me or you don't. and i guess that may be something that can cause one to get jealous, but it shouldn't be. if you want to "live like me" or whatever the fuck is going on in your brain, then just do it okay. instead of whining to me about how i'm a fuckup. or about how you think you're better than me (who the fuck actually says that... oh believe me i've heard it at least once this month). um, who fucking cares.

again this is a bunch of blabber. i'm not making much sense, and i don't expect you to understand me. i'm sure that most of what i said conflicts with other shit i've previously stated (or better yet, conflicts with shit i just stated). i know who i'm talking about when i write this shit down, so you really don't need to. i'd do the whole "names have been changed for the sake of not making anyone feel like a complete and total douche", but i'm just not in the mood.

i haven't been on this blog in forever. i'm really bad about that, i've already stated this numerous times. i'm always updating my twitter or my facebook (not so much my myspace anymore), and i never ever think of coming here just to write. and you know, i have a lot of stuff in my brain that i'd love to write down, but i just haven't gotten around to writing it.

so instead of posting my latest pair of shoes or whatever concert video i feel like posting, i want to just write about me. about what's going on in my life. what i'm thinking. all that bullshit. all for me. not for you. if you read it, you read it. no one really reads it obviously. but i'd like to be able to look back and remember what i was thinking or how i was feeling on a particular day. i used to do that with my myspace blogs, but i'd rather not post there anymore because there are so many things i wrote on that which pain me. stuff about my mom passing away or getting my heart broken or many of the other things i have gone through in my 25 years on this earth. stuff that has made me a bigger and better person despite the fact that it was all complete bullshit.

now right now i'm going to write about how i am bettering myself. i always write that i'm trying to do that, but do i actually go ahead and fully commit myself to bettering myself? not fully, no. listen though, i have 1 semester left of college before i graduate. that's right. and it's not even a "real" semester because it's just 1 class and an internship (which they are gonna let me do in mckinney which means i'll only be going out to richardson once a week). the 1 class occurs during work, so i'll be missing a day of work each week... meaning i'll have to really start budgeting myself. but i'm growing up, and budgeting yourself is part of growing up.

so anyway, like i was saying... i'm bettering myself. i'm not gonna quit smoking or drinking or cussing or being me. hell no. but i plan on committing myself to my studies, to reading a few books for pleasure each month, and to ALWAYS having a smile on my face (unless i have a real good reason to have a frown. having to go to work or having to mow the lawn is NOT a good enough reason to frown). i'm not gonna be sad or pissed or angry that i'm single. i've been there done that. enjoying the single life because i know I WILL someday meet someone who is amazing, and if i decide to just get with some guy i'm not compatible with... then that amazing guy will pass me up. so i'm not gonna wait around and try to find the man of my dreams. i'll let him come to me. i'm cool with just chillin' until that day comes.

as for everything else... yeah... i'm good. i'm gonna enjoy the summer. we're going camping this weekend, so it'll be fun to actually get out of this town. the weekend after this one, i'm going to visit my friend lauren who moved a few years back. she's graduating from college, so gotta go support my homie. anyway, i'm living my fucking life. each and every day. there won't be one day where i'm like "this day was fucking boring". no. i'm gonna go out there and live. it's all i can do to keep from going insane.

and with that, i'm done rambling. i'm going to ramble a lot from now on, and if you have the patience and the balls to sit through it all, more power to you.